WELCOME TO BELARUS

A comedy
By Rex McGregor


Synopsis
Miles is a tour guide leading a coachload of passengers through Eastern Europe. At least, that’s the plan.

Setting
A checkpoint on the Belarus-Poland border

Characters
DASHA a young Belarusian woman
MILES a young English man


We hear traditional Belarusian folk music.

Lights up on Dasha, in Belarusian national costume, performing a folk dance. Beneath her headdress she wears the earbuds of portable audio player.

Set: a desk, a chair and a tray with a round loaf of bread and a salt cellar on top.

After a while Miles comes in, carrying a pile of passports. He is pleasantly surprised to see Dasha. He goes over to the desk and waits there, impatiently looking around for someone to attend to him.

Eventually, Dasha notices Miles. She suddenly stops dancing.

DASHA Oh!

When she removes her earbuds, the music stops.

MILES Morning.

DASHA Good afternoon.

Carefully balancing the passports, Miles manages to check his watch.

MILES Cripes! Way behind schedule.

Dasha fetches the tray.

DASHA Welcome to Belarus. May I offer you bread and salt?

MILES Na, I’m good.

DASHA Please.

MILES No need to fuss over me, love. I’m not a tourist. I’m a regular.

DASHA A what?

MILES Tour guide. I come this way every few weeks.

DASHA Then you must be familiar with our traditional greeting.

MILES Yeah yeah.

DASHA And how it is polite to accept.

MILES Er, sure. Um, d’you think they’ll mind if I put these down here?

DASHA That will be perfectly all right.

Miles spills the passports on the desk.

MILES Whoa! I’m a tad frazzled today.

As he stacks the passports neatly, he discreetly places one near the bottom of a pile.

DASHA May I ask where you are from?

MILES England.

DASHA Ah. That explains why I do not understand some of your English.

She holds out the tray. Miles breaks off a chunk of bread and dips it in the salt.

MILES They usually have this little ceremony when we arrive at the hotel. Not at the border.

He takes a bite.

DASHA First impressions count, do you not think?

MILES Definitely.

They share a flirtatious smile. Dasha puts the tray back on the desk.

DASHA You say you use this checkpoint many times. Be honest now. As customer, how would you rate the service?

Miles casts an anxious glance at the passports.

MILES I’ve never had any trouble.

DASHA By the way, I am Dasha.

She holds out her hand.

MILES Hi. I’m Miles.

They shake hands.

DASHA Just quietly, what do you think of the staff?

MILES They’re very… professional.

DASHA And…?

MILES Er… efficient.

DASHA Oh dear. “Friendly” does not spring to mind?

MILES I don’t expect anything like that. I just want to get the passports stamped and shoot back to the coach.

DASHA I see.

Miles looks around again and gives a frustrated huff.

MILES The officials here aren’t usually this slack. Someone should be manning the desk.

Dasha sits down at the desk.

DASHA Forgive me. You are clearly in a hurry.

She starts quickly checking visas and stamping the passports.

MILES Aw, cripes…

DASHA I have been most negligent. You are eager to show passengers this beautiful country of ours. Last thing you need is chatterbox customs officer who forgets to man desk

MILES Didn’t mean to be sexist… Cut me some slack. You weren’t wearing the uniform.

DASHA I hoped this costume would provide authentic local flavour.

MILES It does, it does.

DASHA Many people pass through our wonderful country without experiencing any of the culture.

MILES They don’t know what they’re missing.

DASHA We are just transit between Warsaw and Moscow.

MILES That’s really sad.

DASHA They need someone like you, Miles.

MILES Me?

DASHA Tour guide. To show them many Belarusian splendours.

MILES I do my best.

DASHA You know Belarus tourism slogan?

MILES Um…

DASHA “Hospitality beyond borders.”

MILES Cool.

DASHA You are spirit of this, Miles. You bring tourists from all over the world. Australia… Canada… South Africa… Australia.

MILES Always heaps of Aussies.

DASHA I did not know they were so interested in our culture. The short-term visa is for maximum 90 days only. Tell me, is this sufficient?

MILES Yeah, more than enough, thanks.

DASHA Good. I hate to think they will be forced to leave screaming and kicking.

MILES No chance of that.

Dasha can’t find the visa for one of the passports. She rummages through the piles and checks the floor.

DASHA How long will they be on vacation here?

Dasha is too distracted by her search to hear the reply.

MILES Actually, this tour’s a bit of a dash through Eastern Europe.

DASHA (focussed on her search) Hmm…

Miles takes out an envelope.

MILES Here. I’ve got the insurance payment for you.

DASHA Pardon?

MILES The compulsory state medical insurance fee.

DASHA Oh, that. I am most embarrassed to receive it. Are we only country in the world that imposes fee like this?

MILES It’s nothing. A pittance. Everyone on board’s happy to pay.

DASHA Embracing our culture? They are most kind.

She accepts the envelope.

MILES Yeah, good crowd. Might be getting a tad impatient though. Can we scoot things along?

DASHA This… Mr McGregor from New Zealand. I can see visa for Poland. And for Russia. But not for Belarus. Does he not know he must apply for visa before entry?

MILES Yeah yeah. He knows that. He did apply. And he did get one.

DASHA Good. Perhaps you dropped it outside?

MILES Look, Dasha. I’ll be upfront with you. Mr McGregor did have a visa. But he doesn’t have it any more.

DASHA Oh dear. This happens sometimes. Paper insert. Easy to lose. We should use paste.

MILES The thing is…

DASHA You must do thorough search of coach. Perhaps it is stuck under seat.

MILES Dasha. Mr McGregor hasn’t lost the visa. He’s pretty sure he… turfed it.

DASHA Turfed?

MILES Threw it away.

DASHA That seems most disrespectful. Do New Zealanders not appreciate our culture like Australians?

MILES It was an accident. Sort of. He doesn’t read the Cyrillic alphabet. He thought the visa was a receipt.

DASHA Oh dear.

MILES I’m hoping there’s a way out of this, Dasha.

DASHA Of course there is.

MILES Brilliant.

DASHA Simplest solution. He takes train back to Warsaw. Then first available flight to Minsk. He can arrange entry visa at the airport there. Straight away. No fuss.

MILES Can’t we arrange it here?

DASHA Unfortunately, there are no facilities for issuing visas at the border.

MILES Don’t you have any… discretionary power?

DASHA If you are asking if I am open to bribes, the answer is no.

She puts the New Zealand passport to one side.

MILES I only meant…

DASHA Cheer up, Miles. This is not end of the world. Mr McGregor can rejoin your tour in Minsk. Most likely in a few days.

She continues processing the other passports.

MILES That won’t work.

DASHA Or tomorrow if he is lucky.

MILES Even that won’t do. We’re down to leave Minsk first thing in the morning.

DASHA What? When will you do city sightseeing?

MILES We’ll do a quick drive round when we arrive this evening.

DASHA It will be dark by then

MILES The main sites’ll be lit up. Minsk by night. Bit of glamour

DASHA Well, perhaps you are right to spend less time in the capital. The true Belarus is our small towns, villages, countryside.

MILES Actually…

DASHA You are going to visit our small towns, villages, countryside?

MILES We might catch a glimpse from the motorway. Tomorrow we’ve got lunch booked in Moscow.

DASHA And how long will you stay in Russia?

MILES Five days. Two in Moscow. One in Novgorod. And two in St Petersburg'

DASHA Let me get this straight. You will spend as much time in Novgorod of all places as you will spend in our entire country?

MILES I didn’t plan the itinerary.

DASHA Good luck trying to meet up with Mr McGregor in Novgorod. It does not even have a working airport.

MILES It’s a World Heritage Site.

DASHA Belarus has four World Heritage Sites!

MILES I believe you. Totally. And if it were up to me, Dasha, we’d spend much more time in your beautiful country. We’d visit every one of those sites.

DASHA Do you mean that, Miles?

MILES Absolutely. That goes for the whole coachload too. In Poland and Russia they more or less know what to expect. But Belarus spells mystery. It has the fascination of the unknown.

DASHA Unfortunately, a… what was your word?— a “tad” too unknown.

MILES I bet every single person on that coach is staring out of the window at this very moment. Full of yearning.

DASHA Well, that is something, I suppose.

Miles breaks off a large chunk of bread, dunks it in the salt and scoffs it

MILES Hmm, delicious!

He starts performing the Belarusian folk dance. Amused, Dasha stamps the remaining passports. Then she gathers them all up, including the New Zealand one.

DASHA Here you are. I hope you all enjoy your time in Belarus.

MILES All?

DASHA All.

Miles takes the passports.

MILES So we’re good to go? We just drive off?

DASHA I do not have much discretionary power, as you put it. But I do have some.

MILES Thanks, Dasha. You’re a sweetheart.

DASHA The power I have is to grant your wish.

MILES You’ve certainly done that.

DASHA You may all stay up to 90 days.

MILES If only we could. Well, best be off. Hope to see you next trip.

DASHA We may see each other before then.

MILES Oh?

DASHA I will be visiting Mir Castle on Thursday.

MILES Mir Castle?

DASHA One of our World Heritage Sites. Perhaps I will see you there.

MILES On Thursday? I’ll be in Russia.

DASHA I’m afraid not.

MILES Come again?

DASHA I have given you Mr McGregor’s passport. But I have not stamped it. He will not be able to leave the country without proper formalities. On the Russian border they are even more… what was your word? Professional. If there is any irregularity they detain whole coach. But do not worry. It hardly ever takes longer than a week or two to sort things out.

MILES Dasha!

DASHA Or you may all prefer to extend your stay in the comfort of Minsk while Mr McGregor negotiates with authorities. I am sure everything will be settled in a few days.

MILES Hang on. Y-y-you said he can get a visa in Minsk straight away. No fuss.

DASHA Only if he arrives by air. Being an illegal immigrant will be a tad trickier. In the mean time, here is list of our World Heritage Sites. Welcome to Belarus.

Lights fade to black.