Sir John: Welcome, dear expert, to the stage again,
To guard those children reared by men and men.
From learned truths came evident conclusions,
To remedy such natural confusions;
When nature’s law conveniently doth change,
For those who natural rules rearrange,
And darling sins wholeheartedly embrace,
To bring the origins of man disgrace;
‘Tis then your findings meet with our applause,
And give immoral men a weighty pause;
For parents are in deed as much in name,
Those who the vices of their child can tame;
Though only by example may they lead,
When God and man and law have all agreed.
With science and with reason you have shown,
That when a man does not his lust disown,
And rather made his mind to bring to bed,
A wanton rascal in a maiden’s stead,
And he misdeeds and cunning doth employ,
To make a demon of a blameless boy;
And then a right to progeny doth claim,
As if God’s Kingdom were naught but a game;
Then doth this poor child as a scoundrel grow,
To reap th’ ignoble crimes his fathers sow.

To dear Sir William I do now address,
Who doth all propositions acquiesce;
You, who from all souls hedonism find,
And without suff’ring connubial bind,
Can undisturbed eat and drink your fill,
Without the mouths of others at your will –
And when you find your patience has been lost,
You can rejoice! For you naught’s been the cost.
No wife, nor man, nor children at your heels,
From whom to suffer unrelenting peals,
Nor matrimonial standards to uphold,
Nor squealing children’s’ depraved minds to mold.
For such a burden is to us well known,
Who must indoctrinate the youth alone:
For only principled husbands can beget,
A noble youth, who’ve seen the standard met.

Sir William: Indeed I have a romp often enjoyed,
And rendered fairest maids most overjoyed;
Each tryst was charming as a work of art,
Yet still no mistress hath stolen my heart.
That I’m unmarried and haven’t children yet,
Is a wretched fate I often regret.
Yet one could take such doom in ones own hands,
And ask what skills doth parenting demand?
A patient disposition I do hold,
And finances of mine are well controlled;
Sweet tenderness and warmth I could provide,
If only a young lad were at my side.
How then can you such strict standards defend,
When disparate means may attend the same end?


Psychologist: Not led by passion, but by science steered,
To explicate the woes that have appeared:
It stands to reason, as I’ve rightly shown,
A duty falls to those parents alone,
Who rightfully as man and wife can live;
Tis them who scientific proof doth give,
A true advantage in breeding our youth.
If safety and stability we laud,
Rules and ethical teaching we applaud;
If crime and mendicancy we lambast,
And hold basic righteousness steadfast:
Then such villains cannot be permitted,
Of their transgressions to be acquitted.

Melissa: “Transgression” may well too bold a word be,
For men who spend their lives uncommonly.
The choice is made to treat a lady well,
To respect she who holds you in her spell,
Expose your wit, and charming guile display,
Till marriage alone can rightly convey,
How deeply your desire runs. Who, though,
Can predict where will land Cupid’s arrow?
For most, a love is conveniently bound
In feelings that are so wholly profound,
So as to create a world of its own.
But if Cupid’s bow has been blithely thrown,
And not among a classic lover lands:
Spectators pass judgment, and misunderstand;
Conveniently blinded to their own flaws,
Entreating help from God, science, and laws.

If science doth morality prescribe,
And moral acts to numbers do ascribe,
How then to quantify connubial bliss,
And all but parental gender dismiss?
Does worth then simply come from man and wife,
Who together resolve to start a life;
Without consideration for the pride,
That often leads husband to, from his bride,
Demand obedience and perfection,
And soon forget his heartfelt affection?
For when so many prate about their wives,
Deplore the professed terrors of their lives,
And spurn their splendid charm at every chance,
It’s with impatience I this lesson hear.
All but strict reason you alone do fear,
You, who behind your craven numbers hide,
And only by your values can abide;
Can only be content when all adhere,
To antiquated doctrines you avow,
Alone can helpless youth with strength endow.

Sir William: The lady speaks most truthfully about,
Those who follow th’untraditional route:
And I myself have considered the gain,
That others so often dismiss in vain.
The power to love I always revere,
Yet about true love I seldom do hear.
However, friendship does often withstand,
The tests of time that can true loves disband.
So when a man the choice to marry sees,
He could instead your rigid laws displease,
And spend with a dear friend his lasting days,
I with an envious heart will his choice praise!
Who then to say that they worse parents prove,
If on strict ‘morals’ they may well improve.


Melissa: This ‘choice’ exists not for him to make,
When forthrightly in love he doth awake!
Yet hateful others aim to curb his right,
And in his woe they unkindly delight;
His only fault having made his choice known,
And desiring children of his own.


Psychologist: Hold, hold: I can’t these false invectives bear,
When of subjective notions I stay clear.
My research and my findings demonstrate,
That science does this question expiate:
Were men and their husbands shown to uphold,
The true scientific standard of gold,
Then in these affairs I would not intrude,
And other crimes I’d have rather pursued.
But my conclusions you do misapply:
Tis not their ‘true love’ I aim to deny.
Men as one were not for this province made,
And fie! If they these conclusions evade;
So from my reports, they no ill can learn
They’re there instructed in my true concern;
Shown how and why they simply cannot be,
Entrusted to care for our progeny.
For when a scoundrel grows within our midst,
How can we allow men to coexist,
And produce spawn that do society spoil?
This worry merits much objective toil.


Melissa: Impartial tones your aim does not disguise:
Your study half-developed truths apprise.
For what becomes of man whose child and wife,
He spurns at every moment in his life,
And pursues instead mistress after next,
While more than connate duties he rejects?
What then of he who science grandly shows,
As husband – though of respect oft dispose -
Can he thus the noblest examples set,
For the unwanted creatures that he beget?
When judgments about humble partners made,
And plain numbers as holy truths conveyed;
When rife with passion, bigotry and pride,
You, swayed by interests and by parties tied,
Present conclusions faulty numbers prove,
To simple human dignity remove,
I’d the graces of such lovers expose,
To give your expert truths final repose:
When man for man a true devotion feels,
And has no lustful habits he conceals,
When he to his companion is so kind,
And of his many faults he does not mind,
Tis there the worthiest example lays:
His aptitude as father high appraise
Doth find, regardless of his loved one’s sex.
Your dependence on numbers I reject:
I too with numbers can this truth defend,
And then beyond mere numbered truths transcend.
For where scientific limits do shroud,
The subjective qualities thus avowed,
By he who duty and honor provide,
In all his dealings with husband and child:
Tis then duty bound that I myself find,
To push past quantities by you assigned,
Though each with systematic figures wrought,
They're destitute of unprejudiced thought.

Love, freed from all your grossly rigid laws,
And all your moral virtues that do cause,
Just men who love as villains to be deemed,
And all their virtues to be unredeemed –
So pure, so strong, so constant, so intense
Is th’only love that comes at no expense.
Only from here can we esteem to judge,
The parents that your science doth begrudge.