Jim Uhls – Fight Club (Ikea Porn)

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INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jack, fully clothed, lies on top of his bed, holding a cordless phone
To his ear. He stares at the ceiling and swats at a fly.

JACK (V.O.)
So, once again, I couldn't sleep.

Jack hears something on the phone. He sits up.

JACK
I've been holding for thirty minutes.

Spread all over the floor by Jack's feet are INVOICES for CREDIT CARDS.

JACK
Yes, that's right. Yes, but I transferred part of my balance to my
Visa to get the lower rate. Oh, wait. No, it wasn't your Visa. Okay,
I transferred all of the MasterCard ... to ... (MORE)

PG 10

JACK (CONT'D)
Look, can I just come down in person? I live here -- in Wilmington.
Yes, all my credit cards have main headquarters here.
No? Why not?
Why can't I speak to an account rep? No, wait, don't put me on --

Jack reacts to being put on hold.

INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Jack sits on the toilet. He digs through a magazine rack. IKEA
Catalogues, Pottery Barn catalogues and more of the kind. Jack opens
An IKEA catalog and flips through it.


JACK (V.O.)
I had become a slave to the IKEA nesting instinct.
If I saw something
Like the clever Njurunda coffee tables in the shape of a lime green Yin
And an orange Yang --

Move in on PHOTO of the tables. CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Completely EMPTY.

JACK (V.O.)
I had to have it.

The Njurunda tables APPEAR.

INSERT - PHOTO OF SOFAS

JACK (V.O.)
The Haparanda sofa group ...

INT. JACK'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The sofa group APPEARS.

JACK (V.O.)
... with the orange slip covers by Erika Pekkari. The Johanneshov
Armchair in the Strinne green stripe pattern.

The armchair APPEARS.

PG 11

JACK (V.O.)
The Rislampa/Har lamps from wire and environmentally-friendly
Unbleached paper.

The lamp APPEARS.

JACK (V.O.)
The Vild hall clock of galvanized steel.

The clock APPEARS.

JACK (V.O.)
The Klipsk shelving unit.

The shelving unit APPEARS.

INT. BATHROOM - RESUMING

Jack flips the page of the catalogue to reveal a full-page photo of an
Entire kitchen and dining room set.

JACK (V.O.)
I would flip and wonder, "What kind of dining room set *defines* me as
A person?"


Jack drops the catalog down, open to this spread. PAN OVER to the
Magazine stack -- there's an old, tattered PLAYBOY.


JACK (V.O.)
It used to be Playboys; now -- IKEA.


INT. JACK'S KITCHEN AND DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

-- Looking exactly like the photo in the catalogue. Jack walks in with
The cordless phone still glued to his ear.

JACK
I want to transfer my balance to get a lower interest rate.

Jack looks over the whole kitchen, dining room, and the living room
Beyond.

JACK (V.O.)
The things you own, they end up owning you.

Jack opens a cabinet, takes out a plate.

PG 12

JACK (V.O.)
My hand-blown green glass dishes with the tiny bubbles and
Imperfections, proof they were crafted by the honest, simple,
Hard-working indigenous peoples of wherever.

He rummages through the refrigerator. It's practically empty. Jack
Takes out a jar of mustard, opens it and uses a butter knife to eat it.

INT. BEDROOM - LATER

Jack lies on the bed, phone still at his ear.

JACK
I want to talk to a live person.

Jack reacts, listens, impatiently punches a single number; waits,
Listens, punches another single number; listens. He rolls over, looks
At one of the bills on the floor and punches an entire credit card
Number.

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